Parenting comes with a myriad of scenarios you don’t really know exist until you become a parent. But parenting in the Alamo City welcomes a whole host of situations unique to San Antonio. So without further ado, we bring you…
75 Signs You’re a San Antonio Parent
1. There’s at least one (and more than likely, more than just one) Spurs jersey in your kids’ wardrobe.
2. Your child’s first solid food was refried beans.
3. You plan all of your summer outdoor activities before 10:00 A.M. because after that it’s just too dang hot.
4. Your child has temporarily gone missing during Fiesta, most likely NIOSA or King William Fair.
5. One of the first things your child ever said was “Hook ’em, Horns!” “Gig ’em, Aggies!” or “Wreck ’em, Tech!” along with the corresponding hand gesture, because you were darn sure your child would know what colors ran through his/her blood.
6. There are guayaberas and Mexican puebla dresses in a rainbow of colors hanging in your kids’ closets.
7. You claim the Alamo as a major symbol of your city, but you’ve never actually visited the Alamo.
8. Your children use the term “y’all” on a daily basis.
9. “Back-to-school” shopping is a real issue, because store merchandise in August and September consists of sweaters, jackets, and corduroy, and your kids won’t be able to wear any of that until November (if they are lucky).
10. You’ve had to decline your children’s requests to run through the sprinklers in the summer because it was a water restriction day.
11. You refer to your child as mija or mijo.
12. An awkward conversation with your children has taken place because you took them to the San Antonio Zoo…during mating season.
13. The lack of Mexican candy and snacks in other cities’ gas stations leaves your children perplexed.
14. You’ve had to explain what moss balls are.
15. A meal consisting of queso and tortillas is totally acceptable.
16. Just the thought of a broken air conditioner in August is enough to make you want to cry and break out in hives.
17. You use brand names interchangeably with the product they sell, as in: “I need to stop by Valero,” which is sufficient for any gas station, or, “Just swing by HEB to pick up some milk,” which works for any grocery store.
18. Your children know the rules of cascarones: never in the face, smash in the hand then sprinkle, and never in Grandma’s hair if she just got her hairdo “set” at the beauty shop.
19. An old woman rubbing your pregnant belly or a stranger reaching out to touch your child is completely acceptable and reasonable. Similarly, you understand the importance of a raw egg if an admired baby goes untouched. No one wants that Evil Eye!
20. You’ve Googled “How to get raspa stains out of clothes.”
21. Your kids have eaten bean and cheese tacos for breakfast, lunch, and dinner…in the same day.
22. Your kids anticipate the San Antonio Stock Show & Rodeo almost as much as Christmas each year.
23. You know when bluebonnet season takes place, and you have your “spot” that you go to every year to plop your children down and take their pictures.
24. You have had to leave the pool in the summer because the water has become too warm to swim.
25. You will park 50 feet farther from the entrance of your destination if it means a parking spot in the shade.
26. In other cities, children develop an intense fear of clowns. In San Antonio, children develop an intense fear of mariachis.
27. Your children have no idea what snow looks or feels like.
28. Trying to find mosquito spray that works but won’t give your kids cancer is like an Olympic sport.
29. Once they leave San Antonio, your grown-up children don’t understand why the Battle of Flowers isn’t considered a holiday in other cities.
30. Sending your child to school in shorts for the afternoon with a fleece jacket for the morning is normal.
31. When your child is supposed to wear his/her favorite team’s colors on “Spirit Day” at school, you just hit up HEB—they always have college and pro team gear!
32. Your child wants to be a dinosaur for Halloween, and the only costumes you can find are head-to-toe fleece…when it’s going to be 98 degrees on Halloween night.
33. When your child decides on a sleeveless bumblebee costume for Halloween, the temperature suddenly drops to 50 degrees on Halloween day and you’re left scrambling to find a black turtleneck to go underneath it.
34. Your children are fluent in Spanglish.
35. Some people consider themselves wine connoisseurs. You consider yourself a salsa connoisseur.
36. You know the orgasmic experience that is a bucket of Bill Miller Sweet Tea.
37. You know which San Antonio Santa is the best Santa to visit each year and have a picture of your children with said Santa every December of their lives.
38. On road trips to other cities, your children are confused as to why street signs aren’t also listed in Spanish.
39. You can throw together a mean homecoming mum that’s the size of your head.
40. You appreciate a piñata that will break after 10 minutes without the assistance of a chainsaw to get it open.
41. You have had to explain to your children that the San Antonio River is not acceptable for drinking or swimming.
42. You can’t understand why anyone would go to Starbucks when we have Local, Rosella, Commonwealth, and Cuppencake.
43. Your friends from out of town are always wondering what you are talking about when you mention “Water Burger.” How can they not understand Whataburger?!
44. You’ve paused when your children have asked you what’s in menudo. Do they really need to know?
45. Your kids embarrass your inlaws by creating and then wearing their “tortilla masks” at dinner at a public restaurant.
46. You’ve had to explain that not every store has Buddy Bucks.
47. There’s an automatic request at the end of every restaurant meal for butter packets and sugar. Naturally, this is to be spread on tortillas for dessert.
48. You’ve celebrated the 4th of July at no fewer than three military bases.
49. You’ve gone bathing suit shopping in February.
50. You’ve suffered through entertaining your kids while waiting at the stoplights on 1604 and simultaneously muttering to yourself, “Who put stoplights in a highway?!”
51. You hate when the Spurs lose, but even more so because it means you have to pay for your coffee the next morning.
52. Your kids can’t imagine a year without a trip to Port Aransas.
53. You have cursed the inventors of metal slides in July.
54. You don’t know what you hate more: mosquitoes or fire ants.
55. Shopping for cowboy boots for each of your children is an annual occurrence and usually happens just about the time the Rodeo rolls around.
56. You’ve taken one for the team and celebrated your child’s birthday by having dinner at the Magic Time Machine.
57. While on a road trip, your child refuses to eat at DQ or Mickey D’s. Only Taco Cabana or Whataburger will do for your San Antonio child.
58. Your child has asked to visit the “Toilet Seat Museum.”
59. Your child has taken his prom date to Alamo Cafe for dinner.
60. Your child looks forward to Dia de los Muertos almost as much as Halloween.
61. Your child’s first word was “queso”.
You have a picture of your child:
62. on the River Walk.
63. in front of the Alamo.
64. with Leon the rodeo clown.
65. on a ride at Kiddie Park.
66. climbing on the lion statues at the zoo.
67. sitting on top of the elephant statue “Cinnamon Candy” at the Witte.
68. in a Spurs jersey.
69. dressed up for Fiesta.
70. in the bluebonnets.
71. at Pearl Farmers Market.
72. with the cast of the Magik Theatre.
73. watching Shamu.
74. with the Tower of the Americas in the background.
75. donning cowboy boots and “western wear.”
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