The 10 People You Meet at the Pool

I can’t imagine summer without the pool. I grew up as a swim team kid, became a lifeguard and a swim lessons instructor, and then gave birth to two water-loving girls. For me, summer smells like chlorine, fake nacho cheese, and the occasional cigarette snuck outside the pool gates by a group of naughty teenagers. I’ve spent my summers on pool decks everywhere from Florida to Maryland to Texas to even Australia. I’ve concluded that no matter the pool, the same 10 types of people are always there:

1. The lifeguard (type A) takes her job very seriously. Trusted with the lives of pool patrons, the type A lifeguard perches on her ledge of judgment, whistle looming at the mouth, poised to blow at any moment. TWEET! “Feet first into the water!” TWEET! “WALK, PLEASE!” TWEET! “Parents must stay within 10 feet of non-swimmers!”

Accessories: a red rescue tube affixed across her chest, a red lifeguard-issued swimsuit, polarized sunglasses, SPF 55, roaming eyes, and a twirling whistle.

2. The lifeguard (type B) is either hungover from last night or is planning tonight’s party. He takes his job seriously—that is, the part that consists of getting a killer tan and picking up babes.

Accessories: a water bottle filled with what may or may not be water, a rocking tan, and sunglasses with super dark lenses.

3. The toddler hates getting into the water…until it’s time to leave, when he hates getting out. He is either intent on stealing the toys left by the side of the pool, trying to pull off his water wings, falling face down into the water over and over, or crying because he can’t keep up with his older siblings.

Accessories: a leaking swim diaper, a variety of pool toys that he doesn’t want, and the aforementioned water wings.

The toddler requests that we not get out of the pool yet.
The toddler requests that we not get out of the pool yet.

4. The safety expert, as her name suggests, is an expert on all water-related safety. Her children are clothed in swim shirts that come with SPF in the fabric, swim hats, and Red Cross-approved flotation devices that snap across the crotch because water wings are just not safe anymore, as per the latest Consumer Reports data. She will either follow her children at an arm’s length at all times or complain to the lifeguard that your children have been left unattended for more than a span of 30 seconds (if you’re lucky, this appeal will be made to lifeguard type B).

Accessories: zinc oxide, a swim shirt, a swim hat, and a look of terror.

5. Laid Back Sally is living the good life this summer because all of her kids have passed their swim tests and can swim without her. She’s lying on the deck chair with a stack of magazines, a sweet new swimsuit, and the inability to give a damn.

Accessories: tanning oil, a water bottle filled with what may or may not be water, and a huge smile.

6. Mr. Olympia didn’t get the message that muscles are out and the Dad Bod is in. His motto: why spend all this time working out if you can’t show it off, amirite? He and his pecs can be found in a lounger working on their tan and occasionally dropping to the deck to bang out a set of push-ups.

Accessories: a lack of body hair that is both shocking and admirable, a bottle of tanning oil, and frighteningly large biceps.

7. The preschooler can’t wait to be big and swim all by herself, and so gives all the other pool patrons a heart attack at least once a swim session when she jumps into the deep end and nearly drowns gracefully. She has probably just had tubes in her ears and wears earplugs that fall out every 27 seconds. Also, she has to go potty. Right. Now.

Accessories: either a Disney Princess or Jake and the Never Land Pirates swimsuit, earplugs, and a puddle of urine around her feet.

8. Michael Phelps can’t understand why you’re all splashing around when there are laps to swim. He will either be swimming the butterfly with such force that half of the pool water splashes onto the deck or sighing with irritation at the water aerobics class taking place in his usual lap lane.

Accessories: Speedo goggles, swim cap, and suit, a kick board, a pull buoy, and a look of determination.

9. Tom Brady came to this pool for one thing and one thing only: pool football. There’s a two-year-old between him and his receiver? Sorry ’bout your luck. When his spiral starts flying, there’s no telling what will happen. He’s not merely relaxing in the neighborhood pool; he’s 10 yards from the end zone, and that Super Bowl ring is calling his name.

Accessories: a Nerf football, his teenage sons, and a total disregard for everyone else in the pool.

10. The Little Mermaid/Merman is the most excited swimmer that has ever swum. Swim test? Nailed it. Handstand in the water? Nailed that, too. Wanna see? Just watch. No, this, Mom. Watch this. Look, Mom! MOM! WATCH THIS!

Accessories: a swim bracelet, goggles, green hair from chlorine, and a huge smile.

Swim test-nailed it.
Swim test—nailed it.
Kristin
Kristin moved to San Antonio from Baltimore in 2006. Although she had a brief 2 year stay in Fort Worth, the margaritas, breakfast tacos and the kind souls of our residents drew her back for good. She's a third grade teacher and group fitness instructor, and single mom to Molly (2009), Sadie (2011), Daisy (dog) and Charlie (cat). When she has free time, she's either training for a half marathon or on a patio somewhere with a Titos and soda. Favorite Restaurant: Sustenio Favorite Landmark: The Pearl Brewery Favorite San Antonio Tradition: The Elf Movie parties at Alamo Drafthouse