There’s a new crop of annoying moms on Facebook. I’m not talking about hashtag over-users. Please—that’s so 2014. I’m not talking about the compulsive check in-ers or the “like” happy friend we all have with whom we don’t really know how or why we became friends in the first place. Everyone is used to those people.
Here is the new and improved list of the seven most annoying Facebook moms, 2015 edition. Do you know one of these moms? Are you one of these moms?
1. The Humblebragging Overachiever Mom
Are you friends with someone who posts a status update that goes something like this?:
“Got my run in (only four miles today!), made a month’s worth of freezer meals, washed the car, and spent a full hour teaching my three-year-old to crochet. It’s almost 10:00 A.M.—I’m such a slacker!! #LazyMommy”
It goes without saying we all want to smack the person who’s “look at meeeeeee, I’m super woman!” updates pop into our newsfeeds, especially when it’s almost 10:00 A.M. and we’re still wearing our pajamas. I’m totally not advocating violence here, but chances are, if you do smack this mom, no one will be that mad about it.
2. The Uber-Granola Mom
This mom posts often—and by “often,” I mean several times a day—about the evils of processed food:
“Sent my little Petunia to school with a nitrate-free sandwich with organic spouts. No GMO-laden food for THIS family! I’m so lucky my kids like organic carob bites. Of course, they’ve never actually seen a Twinkie because I’m raising them to appreciate good food!”
If you post pictures accidentally bearing evidence that your kids eat SpaghettiOs or—gasp!—Lunchables, she’ll send you an invite to “like” the Food Babe page and tag you in posts that have hashtags like #SodiumIsEvil and #ChiaSeedsRuleThePlanet. I’m not knocking healthy eating, but moderation, K? Ignore her and take secret pleasure in the fact that her kid is probably trading lunches with the kid who brought the bologna Lunchable.
3. The Personal Trainer Mom—as in, Personal Potty Trainer
If you ever wondered what another family’s potty habits are all about, you should be friends with this mom. She will tell you how often, what color, and give you a play-by-play of any accidents. She’s an expert on various toilet-training methods and isn’t above posting pictures of little Emily sitting on her tiny princess throne.
If you are absolutely uninterested in potty training anything, you might want to hide this woman’s status updates until all her spawn are safely out of diapers. For those of you still aboard the potty train, keep her around. You never know when you’re going to need someone to give you Facebook high-fives when your kid doesn’t pee his pants because sometimes that is the best part of your day.
4. The “My Kid Has a Rash” Mom
How many times have you opened Facebook to find a picture of an unidentified body part—could be a butt, could be a shin—decorated with equally unidentifiable hives or bumps?
“Hey, do y’all think this looks like poison oak or eczema?”
Doesn’t this one just make you want to scream, “Take your kid to the flippin’ doctor!”?! Seriously, moms—at the very least, consult WebMD. But stop calling on Dr. Facebook. It’s lame.
5. The Recipe-Sharing Mom
This mom’s Facebook is cluttered with recipes. No memes. No passive-aggressive status updates. No family photos. F-O-O-D. Clearly she’s a blossoming foodie who is confusing Facebook with Pinterest. She may be social media challenged, so if this person is in your life or on your friend’s list, take her under your wing and school her up on how to set up a Pinterest account so she can pin ’til her heart’s content.
Be nice about it, though. She may thank you with one of her newly discovered recipes, like peanut butter chocolate turtle truffle brownies—and who wouldn’t like that?
6. The “Let Me Invite You Into My Cool New Closed Group” Mom
This is usually someone you have been Facebook friends with for exactly 43 seconds, after which the invites begin to roll in. Jamberry Nails, those belly-shrinking wrap thingymadoos, neighborhood yard sale groups, groups affiliated with school, crafts, hobbies…whatever.
You may not actually know this mom. You may be confused as to why she friend-requested you in the first place, but darn it, she’s including you in her group that will clog up your notifications in about 7.4 seconds.
Have fun with this one.
7. The Instigator Mom
The instigator mom usually keeps silent about her real views on divisive topics such as breastfeeding, vaccinations, circumcisions, and whether you should let your kids eat the hotdog Lunchable, but she’s the first to post any sort of inflammatory or controversial article on her Facebook feed:
“Hey, friends—saw this article on moms who don’t believe in vaccinating their kids… I’ll just leave this right here.”
She sits back and watches the claws come out in the comments while she snickers from behind her screen and eats popcorn. Discussion is good, and sometimes dissenting opinions can be enlightening, but not when they’re introduced to “friends” as fuel for the drama fire. No one needs that kind of friend, online or off.
Facebook is the new hangout for sanctimommies, passive-aggressives, and the “I take myself waaaaayyyy too seriously” crowd. We can all recognize one of the moms in this list—maybe even ourselves. No one is perfect, moms.
Hilarious… as long as you don’t take it too seriously. Keep in mind you often times will not know why someone posts what they do. Facebook is not real life. Let’s all have compassion– and use the “hide” button if necessary.
This is hilarious!! Loved it!
8. The stay-at-home mom turned gut-health expert who cares so much about the disorders of her friends’ digestive tracks and the spectrum of allegedly associated maladies that she posts daily about Plexus and how you too can be the picture of health if you purchase all of her products. This mom with reach Triple Diamond Sapphire status soon!
Yes! I’m beginning to think Plexus is some kind of strange cult.
I guess after suffering from migraines for almost a decade, then having none after being on Plexus for two months makes me a heathen. Don’t bash my company. I won’t diss yours. K, thanks.