In honor of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day, and currently at 16 weeks pregnant after four miscarriages and one failed IVF embryo transfer, I share with you an open letter to our baby girl. A healthy pregnancy after so many losses comes tangled up with so many bittersweet emotions.
You went from being frozen in time to a strong, vital miracle in the making. Until you are a mother yourself, you won’t fully understand what you mean to me, what you encompass, how many angels there were before you who make you who you are, where you came from, or where I have been to find you.
You are more than just the promise of motherhood, fulfillment of dreams, or healer of broken hearts.
You are the last runner in a miles-long relay race. All the runners before you weren’t destined to finish. Instead, they were building blocks and stepping stones in the journey to have you, sweet girl, cross that finish line.
I find it hard to separate you from our lost angels. Do you look like them? Would you have liked the same things? Were they meant to be your only siblings from Daddy and me? Only memories and lost dreams instead of playmates and life long bonds for you?
Too many questions, fears, and emotions that I cannot put on your tiny little head and heart. I will continue to hold them all inside and trust they will be erased when we meet you. I trust my heart will heal.
I listen to your heartbeat and the rhythmic sound tells me that you know the answers to all of my unknowns and will tell them to me in due time. Together, we will share new hopes and dreams.
I will not rest easy until you truly have crossed that finish line and are safely in my arms. Until then, I know you have five pairs of wings helping you along.