In the days leading up to Baby Girl’s first birthday, I found myself overwhelmingly emotional. Yes, I was exhausted from working full-time, chasing after a baby who was turning into a toddler, and being 20 weeks pregnant. But this was more than all of that. This was total saturation of every emotion I had felt about miscarriages, infertility, pregnancy, and motherhood leaking out of my pores, and the tears came freely each night that week as I rocked my sweet girl to sleep.
I often told my husband I would “just know” if our family was complete the moment that girl was born. Within weeks of her birth, I cried to my mother that I didn’t want her to be my only baby. She looked at me like I was nuts, and my husband grew weary of me bringing it up every chance I got. I knew if I could convince him for his fourth child, that was only the first hurdle. We would have to do IVF again—with no guarantees, more money spent, and the risk of more heartbreak for both of us.
Over time, my drive to add to our family took a backseat to everyday life with three kids and two dogs and both of us traveling for work. I received probably the biggest shock of my life on a random Monday after work when I listened to the voice in my head and took a home pregnancy test and immediately got a blaring positive. Two days later we heard a healthy heartbeat. Fast forward a few months to my girl’s fast approaching first birthday, and I was faced with a situation I never imagined in one million years: back-to-back babies.
Each night when I rock her to sleep, I am distinctly aware that the three of us (me, her, and little brother on the way) are all snug together in the cozy rocker—all connected. My hearts, my loves, my everythings are both with me in those moments. I close my eyes. I hear her breathing. I feel his kicks. I pray they both feel my love. I pray they both feel each other.
I no longer dread her waking up in the middle of the night. Instead I rush upstairs to steal a few more of these fleeting moments with my two babies, for they will not be babies for long.