The day our daughter was born I was not ready to become a mommy. I mean, I was excited about the future; I had started to feel her kick just a few short weeks earlier and we had just agreed on a name, but I wasn’t actually ready since I thought I had 15 weeks to prepare. But, lo and behold, my sweet CG, as she is known in the blog world, was a surprise – a very small one pound surprise – that mild night in May.
My husband and I spent the next three months trying to make our way through the fog of loving a baby in San Antonio’s Medical Center Methodist Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. When a baby is born at 24 weeks, 6 days gestation, he or she only has a 30% survival rate; we understand the depths of the fear and the overwhelming feelings that accompany a newborn’s stay at the hospital.
When people ask me my advice on how we retained some semblance of sanity, here is what I tell them:
1. Write it down. Whether your stay in the NICU is two days or two months, it is a blur. I was NOT a blogger before I had CG, and was reticent to write my life on a blog, but I have been overwhelmingly blessed by doing so. My blog that I kept at the time is now private, but I have it to refer to any time I need or want. When I can’t remember when something happened, or how long it took CG to finally gain enough weight to tip 3 pounds, I can go back and look. Additionally, there are pictures there so I can see exactly what she looked like at any given time. The best part of blogging, too, was that we could disseminate information to our family and friends without having the overwhelming task of emails/calls/texts for every little (or big) event. If blogging isn’t your thing, at least consider keeping a journal to chronicle details you might forget, like great nurses or small victories, if for no other reason that it would be an amazing gift to give your child when he or she is older.
2. Ask, ask, and ask again. We were overwhelmed by the graciousness and care that we received from our neonatologists and nurses. Our precious doctor gave me the best advice, and I always pass it on to NICU mamas I talk to… He said, “If I tell you something and you don’t understand, ask me to explain it again. If you are still confused, tell me and I will find someone else to explain it. Don’t stop asking questions! This is your child and you should know everything happening to and with her.” I get chills just thinking about what a blessing those words were to me. Don’t feel like you’re being a pest… You are your child’s advocate and you should have a firm grasp of everything happening to him or her. Keep asking questions! There are so many new terms and medical jargon that us lay-people are unfamiliar with, so don’t ever feel silly asking for explanations!
3. Make the hospital your friend. With extended stay, there are often special “perks”: discounted parking rates, vouchers for food, and sometimes even insurance-supported financial support. Don’t be afraid to ask around because the staff will often know how to access these helpers. Get to know your case worker! She is there to supply information and generally support you. Additionally, make friends with your baby’s nurses – they are with the baby at all times and it is nice to have a relationship with them.
4. Be selfish. Hopefully you will have a great deal of support during your time in the NICU, but the truth is that sometimes people’s good intentions can be a strain. Other than blogging, another way to help ease the stress of communicating to well-wishers is to appoint a good friend to email or otherwise communicate to everyone who seeks updates on Baby. That way you can worry about telling ONE person instead of 4 million (or so it seems), and you can refer to them when folks seek updates. On my blog this week I wrote about how others can support you, but don’t feel bad about just being honest! If someone is being “Needy Ned” and you don’t have the capacity to deal with them, lovingly tell them that while you greatly appreciate their love, support and prayers, to please allow you some space to focus on Baby(ies).
Additionally, take time for yourself and for your marriage. This can seem almost wrong at times, but it’s important for you to stay mentally healthy so that you can give your best to your child. If you aren’t working, sleep in a day or two, or go excercise before heading to the hospital. Ask a girlfriend to get a pedi with you or meet you for lunch. Getting out can be so cathartic. The financial and emotional strain of having a baby in the NICU can be difficult on a marriage, too, so make an effort to spend time – away from the hospital! – with one another, even if it’s just a picnic across from the hospital or a movie on the couch. Focus, just for a few hours, on being present with one another.
5. You are not an island. Even though most (or ALL) of your peers and family cannot literally understand what you are going through, it is important for you to allow them to help you in whatever capacity he/she can. Often when we mamas feel overwhelmed we can close in to ourselves or feel the need to try to control the situation by taking it all on alone. Trust me, it won’t work. If someone offers to do your laundry, let them. If someone brings you a gift card, accept it and use it! If someone says, “How can I help you?” give them something – they really want to love and support you, so let them, even if you feel awkward specifying how they can help. Also, seek out other parents in the NICU. I know we had a session or two orchestrated by the NICU staff to talk about what we were all going through – it’s always nice to have people who get it. Ask someone to grab a coffee, especially if their child is having similar “issues” as yours; there is strength in numbers!
My hope is that you can make it through this trial stronger, somehow. Hang in there and bless you, friend!
