Trying my Darndest to “Celebrate Calm”


celebrate calmI’m new-ish at this parenting game.  I know all new mothers have to figure it out on their own too and the end goal is still the same.  This post is about a fantastic, real-life parenting seminar and program that is designed to accomplish that goal:  A happy, healthy home.

Like most families, we have a “strong-willed” child.  Throw a divorced family dynamic with a remarriage of one parent on top and it can be a recipe for chaos.  My husband and I, together and separately, proactively sought out resources and tools to make the transition easier.  We conferenced with teachers to inquire into any issues at school.  We implemented structure everywhere we could,  even seeking the advice of objective professionals.  But defiance and outbursts were occurring more than we’d like to admit.  They occurred only at home and were only directed at my husband (in our home at least).

Then one fine day last fall I saw a blurb in the school newsletter about a parenting seminar called “Celebrate Calm” at another nearby school.  It was free.  It was literally 3 minutes from my house.  And on a morning I had a late deposition scheduled and actually had a block of free time.  Hmmm….something about this stuck with me.  A lot of shiny things catch my attention in life, but when something resonates with me and actually sticks with me, I try to listen to the universe.  I followed through on my good vibe and showed up at the seminar.  I was worried that I would see people I know and be judged for not already having all the answers.

I felt at ease right away because this guy was funny.  He was humble.  He was engaging.  But most of all, within minutes, he had my undivided attention because already he was striking at the heart of my home’s problems and I hadn’t even said a word or shared a thing.  Prepared for my deposition, I whipped out my legal pad and started taking notes.  Clear and detailed notes for my husband to read.  I texted him immediately telling him I really wish he could have been there.  I was getting antsy inside, wanting to yell “Yes! Yes! That happens in our home.  All. The. Time!”  I was all ears and eyes at this point, so eager (almost desperate really) for any advice and help this guy had to offer.  Kirk Martin was speaking my language.

Not long into the 90 minute seminar (it’s free – did I mention that?!), I was realizing there was a theme….hmmm….he keeps focusing on the Parents’ Behavior…. 90% of power struggles begin with me, the parent (say what? I’m not the one insisting on wearing a heavy coat to school in August!)…your own anxiety  and franticness is what the kids are rejecting….if it’s easy for kids to push your buttons, then you have too many buttons (glad my husband wasn’t there to hear that one, actually).  Don’t worry, I’m not spoiling the seminar with these gems of wisdom.  I literally took NINE PAGES of notes (some of which I am including in this post) and I’ve still got them a year later.  This portion of the seminar on Parents’ Behavior really hit home with us.  I especially have a whole host of anxiety and Type A, control freak issues.  It’s why I am successful and organized and everyone’s go-to person, but it’s also why I am having a heart attack over the small stuff (we weren’t just sweating the small stuff, it was so much more than that).  My husband does not have anxiety issues, but he’s not too far behind me with the other traits.

You have to control your anxiety and let them do things on their own, their way.  In other words, they have to get ready for school the way they want to, not the way you like to get ready.  (I’m gritting teeth, but ok I’m still listening).  Otherwise, you have set the stage for some serious power struggles.  This is not to say there are not boundaries and expectations.  Kirk’s philosophy is just the opposite.  You tell them (clearly and calmly) x, y, and z need to be done by 7:30 am, when we leave the house for school. Then leave it up to them to get it done.  He said no screaming and yelling from 7:00 am to 7:30am, “Brush your teeth!  No, you can’t wear that to school! Get your backpack!” (I swear he had been spying on us).

Since we are being super honest here, with my husband’s permission I will throw him under the bus and say he is the yeller.  Or I should say WAS the yeller.  Not in an aggressive way, but always yelling from across the house at the kids to hurry up, you need to do this, or do that.  Mornings were not pleasant at this same time last school year.  I scurried around following the kids everywhere making sure they were on task and on time (so Dad would stop yelling) and so I could appease my anxiety monster of everything being “just so.”  I was exhausted every morning when they all left and would breathe a sigh of relief when I watched the suburban drive off towards school.  I would literally turn to the dog, give him the furry hug I needed and say, “Thank god they are gone for the day.”

Ok, enough about me and my issues, thank you very much.  Let’s move on to the strong-willed child.   At the risk of you all thinking my house would be a good candidate for a reality show, I will say very generally that the strong-willed child was more prone to having meltdowns.  Outbursts and meltdowns are almost an understatement.  I stayed silent and conveniently disappeared through a lot of them in the beginning. Is this what moms meant when they jokingly and light-heartedly told me, “You have no idea what you are getting yourself into”?  After awhile, I realized there is no way other people are not experiencing this; they are just not talking about it.  And this, by the grace of God, is when I came across Kirk Martin.

One of the statements that stuck with me from the seminar is that structure, order, consistency are big deals with strong-willed kids. Good, I can manage that.  That is right up my alley.  Wait, my husband has to be on board with all of this because in our family he implements discipline with the children (we believe as a step-parent it’s not a good idea for me to do so unless I am the only one around at the moment and something needs immediate consequences, which is rare). Basically, together, as the parents in this house, we set all of the ground rules and expectations, but he has to be the one to actually follow through and enforce them.  I cook and put the vegetables on the dinner table, but he has to be the one to actually make them eat it.  Not easy for it all to be on him, but who said parenting was easy.

Kirk has a ton of insight into strong-willed kids that resonated with our situation like you wouldn’t believe.  He not only articulates the personality traits and how they manifest themselves, but also the why’s behind them.  The emotional triggers that are pushing the outbursts, the defiance, the insistence on certain things.  He says when kids have meltdowns, “they are emotionally on fire.”   He explains how their own anxiety plays a huge role in all of this.   Their age and maturity level does not allow them to tell us what is going inside because they can’t communicate it and we don’t see it or miss what is really causing the outburst.  Kirk believes, as do I now, that outbursts occur when children are overwhelmed and anxious about uncertainties.

He gives concrete plans of action.  I don’t mean a 15-step program with a bunch of mumbo-jumbo.  No, I mean a plan of action such as 1) control yourself before you address your child’s behavior and 2) sitting down when talking and addressing your child in these moments to set a calm, no-negotiating tone.  These small things actually work I tell you.

During a small break in the seminar that morning, I rushed over to the table where Kirk’s son was selling the CDs for his “Stop Defiance” set because it also has a “Dad’s CD.”  I was afraid he would run out if I didn’t buy a set during the break and I wouldn’t be able to thrust the CDs at my husband the minute he got home from work that night.  I clutched those CDs like they were a lifeline.  Looking back, they really were.  I knew I could only do so much and I needed, we needed, our family needed, for my husband to hear this and start making changes.  “I am a leader in the home, so change starts with me.”

My super-busy husband (who is not a fan of feel-good therapy nonsense) took the CDs with him on his very next work road trip and listened to both CDs in the car.  He told me they were “good.”  That’s all I got.  Then  I overheard him in the following days talking to the kids in a different language that I have ever heard him use:   “You have a choice about whether you are going to do as I ask.  You can either go take your bath now and we can all enjoy a nice evening together watching the show you wanted, or you can not.  It’s your choice.”   Silence.  (And I’m sure some confusion).  The bath was taken with no yelling or tantrums.  I waited a few days and asked for specifics about the CDs because Kirk hadn’t touched on that strategy in the seminar.  My husband shared with me some of what he had learned.  I have never listened to the Dad’s CD.  I kind of feel like it is a sacred thing between my husband and his kids.

All I know is that together my husband and I slowly but surely regained control over our household.  With strong-willed kids, you have to give them ownership in the house or they will control your house.  True, true, true.  Kirk Martin gave us the tools and the insight to take back our house.  I sound like an infomercial, I know.  But I am just here willing to share this part of my life in hopes that other moms and other families can get some good out of this.  Everyday is still a struggle, but it’s like a weight maintenance program once you get to your goal.  You have to maintain it.  You have to be conscious of it almost daily.  You will have slip ups (ours come in summer and on vacations when we want to be lax about stuff and then we realize, after the wheels come off, that structure/order/consistency is necessary all year round with a strong-willed child).

Our strong-willed child has responded very positively to these strategies and changes.  They have helped our entire household and have brought a calm to our home we didn’t have before.  As long as we, the parents, are doing all that we can to control our own behaviors and anxieties, then our children can be the best they can be.  And when the now infrequent outbursts occur, we can see them coming a mile away and know how to better head them off or ease the problem when it happens.

I maintain this place of calm (haha!) by receiving Kirk’s regular e-mail newsletters.  These come in the mornings around 8am, so I read the tips and stories and advice to start the day with a grateful, open mind.  These are daily reminders to a new philosophy that has returned sanity to our lives.  You can sign up for his free e-mails on the home page of his website.

I will also be attending one (ok, probably two) of his FOUR, FREE upcoming seminars in San Antonio next week.  I am so looking forward to hearing Kirk speak again!

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 Kirk Martin Seminars

NEXT WEEK in San Antonio… see you there!

Monday, September 23           6:30pm – 8:30pm Woodridge Elementary / 100 Woodridge / San Antonio, TX 78209

Tuesday, September 24          8:30am – 10:30am Woodridge Elementary / 100 Woodridge / San Antonio, TX 78209

Tuesday, September 24          7:00pm – 9:00pm St. David’s Episcopal School / 1300 Wiltshire Ave. / San Antonio, TX 78209

Wednesday, September 25       9:30am – 11:30am St. David’s Episcopal School / 1300 Wiltshire Ave. / San Antonio, TX 78209

 

Fast Tips for Mom (as gathered from Kirk Martin)

  • Don’t call kids “sweetie” or “baby” when disciplining or giving instructions (especially with strong-willed children)
  • Being a “martyr” mother does not make you virtuous and does not convey self-respect (we do too much for our kids!)
  • Sit down when disciplining (it’s a less anxious position for all)
  • When kids say “I’m bored,” let them be bored, don’t rescue them from it
  • Your kids may listen to your husband and not you because “he gives clear directions in a non-emotional, firm, manner.  He tells them what to do and expects them to do it.  If they don’t, he takes action.  He doesn’t reason, argue, explain, negotiate, ask, or get drawn into endless discussions.”   

 

All phrases and advice in quotations or italics are quotes or paraphrasing from Kirk Martin as I heard them at his seminar last fall.  I have not received any compensation for this post.  I whole-heartedly believe that Kirk Martin’s program is a blessing and I want to share it with you. 

Bridget
Bridget was born and raised in San Antonio and moved back here after college and law school. She is a wife, full-time attorney, wrangler of four kids ages 15, 13, 3 and almost 2. As both a stepmom and mom, her life and house is always full and she loves to share about blended family life. Bridget is also passionate about infertility advocacy after having suffered multiple miscarriages and multiple rounds of IVF. Now with her stepkids, rainbow baby, and surprise baby, her family is complete and she is soaking up every minute of motherhood!

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