Any other Friends fanatics out there?
Remember those episodes in seasons eight and nine of Friends where Monica and Chandler are trying to have a baby? They see Ross & Rachel’s beautiful little Emma and decide they are ready one of their own, so they start trying right then and there. Monica even makes a comment that “Wow…I might be pregnant right now!” just minutes after doing the deed. Her face is filled with happiness and hope for the future that is sure to shortly come.
Fast forward through countless, “I’m ovulating so we have to have sex NOW!” moments. It’s been over a year and still no baby, so they head to the fertility clinic “just to get checked out”. Here they discover that Chandler’s “boys won’t get off their Barcalounger” and Monica has “a uterus prepared to kill the ones that do.” They struggle to come to terms with the bitter reality that the chances of them getting pregnant on their own are extremely slim. What’s next?
For this beloved couple it’s adoption. Fast forward again and someone has chosen Monica and Chandler as potential adoptive parents for her unborn baby, but at the interview realizes that a mistake has been made with their file. Erica, the young mother-to-be, believes Monica to be a minister and Chandler a doctor, and Monica desperately begs Chandler to go along with it. Seem crazy? Maybe not totally. One of the most memorable lines for me in the entire TV series is in this episode (and, if you couldn’t tell, I’ve spent a lot of time with Friends!). Chandler is begging Erica to consider their real adoption file, explaining that “I’ll figure out how to be a good dad when the time comes, but Monica is already a great mother. She just doesn’t have a baby.”
Motherhood is a journey. Pregnancy has been brilliantly designed to give a woman nine months to wrap her head around this new enormous role of caring for and loving a tiny person. But for some mothers, babies don’t just take nine months to get here. For some mothers, they take years.
I’d like to share our journey with you. I say “our” instead of “my” because I definitely was not in this alone: my wonderful husband, Jason, was by my side through every high and low and I could not have survived without him. We have incredible friends and family who supported and encouraged us along the way. I’ll share very personal experiences, some emotional, some medical, as honestly as I can.
Our Story
Two years after we were married we started talking about having kids. We decided not to refill my birth control prescription and just “see what happened” for a while. Although I looked forward to having children, I was so happy with our life at the moment that I wasn’t in any real hurry to change things.
After a year without getting pregnant, we decided it was time to get serious. At my yearly physical I talked with my doctor about my concerns, and she simply told me that I was young and that these things take time so keep trying. My knowledge of the delicate process of how a baby is created was pretty basic, so I started doing some research on my own. Thus we entered the world of ovulation predictor kits, basal temperature checks, and cycle charting. (Monica Gellar would have been so proud of my lists and charts!) After several emotional months filled with charts and attempts at home remedies we began to suspect something might be wrong that was bigger than we thought. After two full years of trying I made a special appointment with my gynecologist. Without any exams or tests she again told me I was young (I was 26 at the time) and everything was probably okay, so to stop worrying and just give it more time. I was disheartened, discouraged, and now angry at this doctor for dismissing my frustrations and fears.
In January 2011, after two and a half years with no success, I made our first appointment with a fertility specialist. I was terrified. Seeing a medical “specialist” is never a comforting idea because it means something out of the ordinary is wrong with you. We talked about it for about six months before actually going. Jason was encouraging but never pushed me because he knew I just wasn’t ready yet. In my mind, going to a specialist was admitting that something was wrong and it was out of my control, and that was a very difficult thing for me to admit. Our first meeting with Dr. Browne at RMA was an emotional one. She was wonderfully encouraging and for the first time, a doctor was open and honest about what might be happening. After an exam and ultrasound, she told me she was 99% sure I had stage four endometriosis. I’d never heard of it, but any medical issue described in stages sounds really scary to me. It explained the heavy bleeding and cramps, back aches, ovarian cysts, upset stomachs, and crazy headaches I’d been experiencing. Dr. Browne explained that it could only be confirmed through laparoscopy but she was sure she saw evidence in the ultrasound. Even though the idea of surgery was scary, my most prominent feeling was one of relief. Finally there was an explanation for everything we’d been going through! I expected surgery to fix everything and that we’d be pregnant within a few months, but a quick fix was not part of the plan for us.
Over the next two and a half years, Jason and I went through a number of tests, medications, and attempts at conceiving all under the umbrella of “fertility treatments”. I had surgery in February 2011 and again in January 2013 to take care of cysts and scarring caused by endometriosis. We went through stages of hope, frustration, depression, anger, disappointment, fear, acceptance, and so much more….sometimes all in one week! The most overwhelming feeling was WHY. Why is this happening to us? Why didn’t this work? Why can’t we fix it? The only thing that kept us moving forward from day-to-day was the faith that God had a plan for us that was bigger than we could understand. Learning to let go of control and lean on faith was a hard lesson for both of us through this experience. We attempted three IUIs with no success before deciding to try IVF. This was by far the scariest decision of the whole process, but we were very fortunate to conceive after our first IVF treatment in April 2013.
Our journey has not been an easy one. Over the next few weeks I will share more about our story, including resources that were helpful to us, experiences with medical tests and procedures, and how you can help a friend struggling with fertility. I share with the hope that my story can help another “mother without a baby” reclaim hope and find peace.
Natalie–hang in there! Sometimes the struggle doesn’t seem worth it, but I promise it is. Please feel free to msg me any time you have questions 🙂
Katie – thanks for sharing. We’re going through some of these things right now, and it’s hard. Appreciate hearing how things have turned out for others.
Thanks for all your support Lindsay! 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Katie. You are such a wonderful writer and I know there are many mamas or mamas to be that can relate to your journey to motherhood. We are so blessed to have you as part of our team!