Sometimes nursing isn’t enough

I took all the classes.  I read all the books and blogs I could get my hands on.  I sought advice from moms who had exclusively breastfed their children for over a year.  I was prepared and determined to nurse my new baby.

I was not prepared for my baby to drop to nearly two pounds below her birth weight in the first five days of her life.  I was not prepared to hold my newborn, screaming, begging for the nourishment I wasn’t giving her.  I was not prepared for her to become so dehydrated that her lips were chapped.  I was not prepared for the feeling of failure that overwhelmed me when the pediatrician told me I needed to give my baby the “f-word”: formula.

Looking back on this experience still brings tears to my eyes and guilt to my heart.  I thought nursing was going just fine and passed off Audrey’s symptoms as a bug she had caught.  We brought her home on Christmas Day, a Wednesday.  I shudder to think what might have happened had I not listened to my gut (and my mother, who strangely is often saying the same thing) by taking her to the pediatrician on Friday; had we waited until our one week check up scheduled for Monday, the weekend could have been detrimental to my daughter.

The problem wasn’t the bug, but the latch.  Because she wasn’t latching on properly, she hadn’t been eating.  At all.  She didn’t have any physical hindrances from latching.  What she did have is an inexperienced momma who grasped too tightly to one phrase she had heard in a breastfeeding class: “If baby’s latch hurts you, she’s doing it wrong.”  I kept insisting that she was latching properly because every time I felt a very painful pinch, I’d pull her off and start her over again.  Fortunately a very dear friend, who was nursing her second baby, very bluntly set me straight after hearing me repeat that crazy expression.

Moral of the story #1: Breastfeeding hurts at first.

It pinches and sometimes burns.  Your nipples will be raw; if you think about what’s happening to them, it makes sense!  You may even cry when baby first latches at each feeding, but hang in there.   After a while it won’t hurt nearly as much or at all (the point being made in the breastfeeding class which I took out of context), but be prepared for a rough few weeks and make nipple cream your best friend.

So.  About the “f-word.”  Although everyone assured me supplementing with formula wasn’t that big of a deal, I could not put into words how devastated I felt that my body alone wasn’t enough for my daughter.  I’d been trying to hold it together but finally burst into tears when a blessed lactation consultant at St. Luke’s said, “I’m sorry that you have to do this, I know it’s not what you wanted.  But it’s what’s best for your baby right now, and it’s not forever.”  I felt equally vindicated and hopeful.  I also gained some much-needed perspective.

Moral of the story #2: Do what is best for your baby, even if it is not part of your plan.

Once I realized it’s not about me, I was able to enjoy watching my husband give our daughter her first bottle (which she chugged like a champ).  Yes, I was still frustrated by my struggles with nursing, but the number one most important thing was that Audrey was eating.  We only had to supplement for about ten days until we established a good nursing relationship and she had gained enough of her weight back.  From then on nursing was pretty smooth sailing, but I’ll never forget the lessons I learned from our rough start.

I’ll never say that supplementing with formula or switching to formula all together when you planned to nurse isn’t a big deal.  But I can now say from experience that it will be okay.  Sometimes nursing isn’t enough and it’s out of your control.  It’s like having an emergency c-section when you planned a natural delivery: you do what’s best for baby even if it wasn’t part of your plan.