Sleepovers: Ensuring Your Child’s Safety

Sleepovers. This single compound word strikes deep emotions — from excitement to dread. Some of us get excited recalling overnights with BFFs; silly phone calls; ghost stories; up all night and eating Doritos with cream cheese. (If you haven’t tried it, do it now. It’s not Paleo, but totally worth the cheat.)

Some of us get a heavy feeling in the pit of our stomach as the air whooshes from our lungs at the murmur of sleepovers. Nightmares, bed wetting, sleepwalking, anxiety, or even memories or fears of bullying or sexual abuse. Real, valid feelings from opposite ends of the spectrum quickly come to the surface when our children ask to sleep over at a friend’s home.

As parents, we largely base our decisions on individual experiences – what did we do? What happened to us? How did our parents handle it? Yet, there’s another influence – the millions of statistics and stories readily available through media and Internet. Constantly tightrope-walking over the divided field of helicopter and anxiety parenting to free-range come-what-may parenting! How do we let our children grow up, keep them safe and know when they’re ready for things, like sleepovers? Is there a middle ground?

First, there’s no right or wrong decision about sleepovers. You knew that. Many families simply follow a no sleepover rule. If this is you, you can probably skip to the next post. I’m cool with that, but do try Doritos and cream cheese. (You’re welcome.)  If you’re still reading, you may allow sleepovers or may consider sleepovers. I’ve known a few girlfriends/mothers who experienced sexual abuse as children – this created anxiety when their children wanted to sleep over. If you or someone you know find yourself in this situation, I hope you’re seeking help through a good therapist or support program. (I’ve listed a few at the end.) This is not a post dealing directly with abuse or bullying, however, you may find something useful if you choose to let your children sleepover. Please, take care of yourself – for yourself, and your family.

And now, back to our regularly scheduled topic – Sleepovers.

“Parenting today is complicated,” said Istar Schwager, Ph.D., Educational Psychologist, NYC. “It’s interesting to consider what qualities in a child make them ready for sleepovers.“ Today, we navigate the news through waters of abuse, abductions and the like. I believe we can find ways to safely give our children freedom and, if you choose, we can do things to make sleepovers safer and go smoothly for parents and children.

KNOW THE FAMILY. THEY SHOULD KNOW YOU, TOO.

Growing up in the rural Midwest, everybody knew everyone else. REALLY knew everyone else. I’m talking party lines – more than one house sharing a single phone line. (I’ll wait while you wrap your cell phone Google around that.)

Party lines disappeared. Families moved away. We don’t always know our neighbor. When it comes to sleepovers, it goes without saying, know the host family. In a perfect world, you would’ve already spent much time with this family. Here are some things to consider before allowing your child to sleepover at another family’s house:

• Who lives in their home? Extra adults? Older siblings?
• Do they have animals? Does your child have allergies, fears or past experiences with animals? Inform the parent(s).
• Will they be showing any movies? Which ones? If your child doesn’t like scary movies, let them know ahead of time.
• Do they own guns? If so, are they kept away from the children? Is the ammo kept separately?
• Do they have a pool? Is it fenced? Will the children be in it supervised or unsupervised?
• What are the plans for meals? Fading are the days of “you’ll eat what is served.” Food allergies with serious reactions are everywhere.
• Will there be a bedtime? This is dependent on age. If your child needs medication before bed, this is important information.
• Where will they sleep? If your child awakes can he wake up an adult?

In my experience during the early 90’s in Northwest SA, a small playgroup sprouted from a La Leche League meeting. We were a tight circle of like-minded friends, with children close in age, all breastfed, and most of us had a family bed. We all had the latest Dr. Sears’ book and newest issue of Mothering Magazine. Our kids attended the same preschool (shout out to Discovery School), and spent every Tuesday together for more than a few years. We knew each other well. Most of our children’s first sleepovers were with members of this close-knit group. Maybe you have close family friends from work, church, MOPS or La Leche League. People you know well are perfect first sleepovers for your little one.

KNOW YOUR CHILD

No one knows your child better than you. Our youngest slept over at a friend’s house at 3, but her older sister was about 7. I suggest considering these points:

• Independence. Do others easily influence her? It’s important for some kids to be part of the ‘group’ and do things a friend suggests. Others easily stand up for themselves. If yours needs help with a play conflict or a physical need, can she ask? If she wants to call home or use the restroom in the middle of the night, will she be able to do so?

A friend’s daughter went to a weeklong sleepover camp. She got sick with fever, sore throat and cough. She told no one. Fortunately, camp was over two days later. If she’d spoken up, she could’ve been given some Tylenol to make her comfortable. She’s a smart pre-teen who didn’t want to cause any trouble. She’s the kid who colors between the lines and waits patiently for her turn.

• “Do you have faith in their (your child’s) judgment? You need to equip a child to recognize when something is inappropriate and to know how to deal with it,” recommended Schwager. Along these lines, children should have a good idea of good touch/bad touch; inappropriate behavior and feel confident in speaking up at the moment.  We never know for sure how anyone will handle a situation. There is no wrong way. Sleepovers with trusted families can be one way these skills are learned. You want to make sure age-appropriate concepts are part of their foundation.

• Does your child sleep well through the night? Does he sleep well in beds other than his own? Is there a specific bedtime routine needed? Depending on how you answer these, he may not be ready for a sleepover.

GIVE YOUR CHILD THE WORDS

One-on-one brief conversations with your child build communication skills and model openness with your availability to discuss everything and anything. Talk over her worries about sleeping over at a friend’s house. It’s often as simple as what to do if she needs to get up in the night – flush or don’t flush? Discuss what to say or do if there’s something for dinner that she’d doesn’t eat. Not everyone loves quinoa meatloaf with soy cheese and broccoli. Help her to understand how to respectfully say, “No, thank you.” If she has special dietary needs, give the mom something she can eat, with enough to share.

Role-play what to say if your child isn’t feeling well or wants to call home. “May I please call my mom?” “I don’t feel well, I’d really like to go home.” I know my kids often needed specific words. Sometimes, I’ll say it first, then, give them a chance to say it back. Sounds silly, but if you have a shy child, it’s immensely helpful to give them their voice and confidence.

DEVELOP A PLAN AND IT’S OKAY TO CALL HOME

Make sure your child knows she can call any time. Our plan includes the freedom to call and ask to come home, anytime. Really. ANYTIME. I remember a certain midnight taxi ride home, detailed here.  Long story short – Sis, my oldest, at 9 years old, hated ghost stories. The dreaded 2am call. “Please, momma, come get me.” I didn’t beg, cajole or try to talk her into staying.  I wanted to, but I knew from whence her stubbornness was born. Besides, this child rarely asked to come home. In fact, this was probably the only time. I am not the most friendly when awakened, but I sucked it up. I followed through on my end of the deal. Did I mention I had two sleeping 6-year-olds? An out-of-town-with-the-military husband? Didn’t matter. Blankets, pillows, and teddy bears – we all loaded up and brought her home.

I wanted her to know, she only had to ask. I wanted her to know whether she was 9 or 19, if it was ghost stories or tequila or marijuana, I’d pick her up. She remembers that incident today. She’s 23.

When Felicia began sleepovers alone (without Sis) she was, of course because that’s the way life is, different. Felicia’s anxiety set in at 8:30pm. READ: bedtime. In typical little-sister fashion, she badly wanted to spend the night. After a few midnight rides home, we discussed her desire to spend the night coupled with bedtime and sunset. We decided she’d call before 7:30pm to tell me good night. Sometimes she’d call and be a little anxious. I’d asked, “Do you want to come home or do you want to try staying another hour? If I don’t hear from you I’ll know you’re great and having a good time.” Sometimes she came home. Sometimes she stayed. Midnight taxis temporarily displayed the ‘off duty’ light.

Suddenly, she didn’t want to spend the night out at all. Sometimes, she ‘d be embarrassed to admit it. I took the blame with, “Felicia would love to hang out, but I’ll need to get her at 10pm.” This reluctance hit about the same time we moved – not unusual anxiety when a family goes through changes. It didn’t last forever. At 16, she decided to spend a month away from home as a working student on a horse farm in Florida. Now 20, and she’s yet to call from College Station needing home. Money? Yes. But that’s another post.

My youngest (The Batman. now 12) spent the night out a few times when he was about 6. A little later, he experienced some general anxiety. He repeatedly tried to spend the night, only to be disappointed with himself as he called to come home. We stepped in and took charge. If our kids are struggling, we do that. It relieved him. “You know, we’re not going to have sleepovers for awhile. That’s cool. A lot of kids never spend the night with a friend. If you decide you’d like to try again, let us know. If you’re invited you can just say ‘mom and dad won’t let me spend the night, but I can come play.’ “ This last spring, The Batman took flight. He chose a family he was comfortable with and knows well. Just like that. Wah-la! Yesterday, he asked about spending a couple weeks away next summer. I’ll get back to you on how I feel about that. He’s my Bat-baby.

Calling home is always ok. “There should never be any shame when a child feels the need to call home and go home — from either the parents or the hosts of the sleepover,” said Nancy B. Franklin, LMFT, Play Therapist, San Antonio. As parents, we want to do everything to keep those lines of communication open and working. There should be no teasing or name-calling – goes without saying. When a child needs to call home from our house, I make sure the call connects and then, I give him privacy.

WHEN YOU HOST A SLEEPOVER

When we host a sleepover, I give the guest’s parents the information I’d want. I’ll make sure they know:

• Our plans for the day and next morning.
• Meal plans. (If I’m that organized, my friends should not laugh here.)
• If we’ll be going anywhere in the car and who’ll be driving.
• If we’ll be swimming, who will be supervising.
• What specific video games will be played (most of my son’s friends share similar, if not the same video games).
• That my door is always open should a child need anything. (Realistically, although I’m embarrassed to admit it, kid communication comes in a text from upstairs telling me they’re cold/hot and please fix the thermostat. Please, someone, say you’ve communicated this way with your kids – texting each other while in the same house. My husband will feel better.)
• What activities we’ve planned- dress-ups, crafts, games, etc.

CONSENT FORM

Way back when, we were really good about a medical emergency consent to treat form. Now, we are slackers. Everyone has a cell phone. We used the American College of Emergency Physicians form when the girls stayed with family or when cousins came for a summer stay. Really, with today’s allergies, it’s not a bad idea to have this information. It’s the Consent to Treat Form at the bottom center of this page.

Finally, whatever you do, trust your judgment. You know your child best. Trust your intuition. That little nudging voice saying, “Keep her home tonight” may not mean she’ll be bullied. It could mean she’s beginning to get sick and you can’t see it yet. As parents, we’ve got great intuition about our little ones. Use it.

Every child is different and each family does what is best for them. Unlike Dr. James Dobson author of Bringing Up Girls, I don’t believe the days of sleepovers are gone. As a family, we don’t make decisions from a place of fear. We believe in caution and frank communication – with our children and family and friends. We very thoughtfully considered where our daughters spent the night and continue to do so with our young son. I’m not ready to throw the proverbial baby out with the bathwater. I think we can find a balance.

Does your child participate in sleepovers? If so, what things do you consider?

Resources for more information:

Dealing with abuse, bullying and other issues:

Additional resources:

Are Sleepovers Too Dangerous to Allow Anymore?

A sleepover nightmare: How can we keep our children safe?

7 Steps to Prepare Your Child for a First Sleepover