My best friend from college recently sent me a great piece from BuzzFeed detailing why your friends from college are destined to be your friends for life. What it boils down to, I guess, is that the blackmail potential these people hold against you is just too damning to ever let them fall off of your Christmas card list. I chuckled and nodded in agreement as I read the 19 reasons why your college buddies will be your besties for life, but after the mild vertigo from trying to read the lips in all the GIFs wore off, I was left with a rather ominous feeling: Wait—is this it, people? Are our friends from college really our last big hurrah? Is the cruel hand of fate seriously not going to issue me any more best friends? Because if not, I’m going to be forced to file a formal complaint.
What is it about being a mom that makes establishing and maintaining anything more than a surface-level friendship so darn hard? Oh, wait—yes, it is precisely those little jewels who crowned us “moms” that tend to complicate things. Right? Since becoming a mom, I’ve been lucky enough to become friends with some pretty amazing women, but I still don’t have a mommy best friend or a group of super close friends. Because I am somewhat of an independent spirit—perhaps teetering on the verge of loner territory but not quite crossing the border—I have been able to coast without a bestie for awhile. But now the pangs of longing are becoming closer together and more intense—like contractions—so I know something has to give. I miss having a friend I can invite over at the last minute for no reason at all. I miss not having to preface my stories with an explanation of the background detailing what makes them funny or depressing or ironic. I miss sharing my life with someone in a way that you don’t with friends you only see or talk to once a month or less.
I was actually inspired to write about my perspective after I ran into an acquaintance at Target the other day. We got to talking, as women in the aisles of Target tend to do, and she was lamenting how hard it is to make good friends after you have kids. I lit up, because after years of watching women in my various social circles get paired up with their BFF, I was starting to think I was the only woman in the world—or at least San Antonio—who was experiencing some turbulence in this department.
So what’s a girl to do? If I thought there was a viable version of Match.com for moms, you can bet your buttons I would have signed up yesterday. There’s just got to be an easier way than trying to make meaningful conversation while keeping an eye on your oldest child who is careening around the playground with virtual rocket boosters tied to her fanny and shoveling sticky cheerios into your baby’s mouth in desperate hope that the mouthful of food will delay the wails that inevitably accompany a period of physical inactivity lasting greater than two minutes. And have you tried to schedule a mommy lunch date with a friend recently? Unless your children are the same age, attend the same school, and have siblings that participate in the same extracurriculars, you are probably looking at a one- to two-month lead time on that—longer if you’re scheduling during flu season, when family illness will most likely force a cancellation at one point or another. It’s hard. Really hard. As my sister is fond of saying, the struggle is real.
I’m the one writing the post about being BFF-less, so I’m clearly not here to offer you any great insight into how to overcome this problem. But I can tell you one small step I’m taking to try to eliminate the dilemma. I am banning the following phrases from my vocabulary: “We should get together sometime”; “This was fun—let’s do it again”; and “Oh, you can’t find your phone? Don’t worry—I’ll just look you up on Facebook.” In my opinion, all of these statements are conspiring together in an evil plot to wipe mommy friendships off the face of the earth. Let there be no doubt that they are all easy, effective, and polite ways to exit a conversation, and I’ll even admit that I have said them before and not meant a syllable of what was coming out of my mouth. Chances are, you have too. But I have also said them fully meaning that I would enjoy the opportunity to get to know the mom in question better and/or thought our children would play well together and then never acted on the impulse after we parted ways. At least for me, it’s far too easy to put any social scheduling on the back burner, and after a week goes by…and then a month…and then a couple of months…by then, it’s just too awkward to get in touch with someone you met so briefly so many moons ago.
Don’t get me wrong: I know that’s not the only thing in my daily habits that could use improving if I’m looking to attract a suitable BFF. For example, I am horrible about thinking to invite people over or meet up for a playdate (in advance). I get so focused on conquering my seemingly endless assortment of mommy tasks or using my hard-earned Gymbucks before they expire that before I know it, another year has gone by and hardly a soul has graced my front door to admire the lovely seasonal decor that I worked so hard to score at half price (or more!) the year before. Because I am terribly distracted with who knows what, I am also a terrible friend when it comes to maintaining communication with anyone residing in the world outside my house. I think about texting my friends probably 25 times a day, but most days I’m lucky if I even get one of those texts out. No, actually, most days I probably don’t even get one of those texts out but do manage to “like” countless pictures on Facebook. If only “likes” on Facebook a best friend could make!
So if you meet me out and about someday, and after you end the conversation with the uber-convenient “we should get together sometime,” I whip out my phone to try to nail down a date right then and there, please don’t think less of me. If we are already friends and you start receiving random texts from me saying that I was just thinking about you, I haven’t morphed into some psychotic creeper. I’m just trying to mimic the actions of friends who have burrowed themselves deep in my heart with similar actions. And if you receive a last-minute invitation from me to come over, I haven’t lost all sense of decorum, nor do I presume you don’t already have plans. I’m just trying to keep it real. Because after all, isn’t keeping it real what having a true BFF is all about?!
I like your solution- or at least first step towards a solution- inviting people over, even late notice… setting up dates on the spot… everyone is busy, everyone has insecurities or doubts about their home, parenting, lack of friends, etc… even the ‘mom cliques.’ And really, if women have a mean/competitive relationship with each other, that is not a group of friends I want to have. If everyone operated on this idea that we all want to connect with others, despite our schedules and doubts, many more friendships would transpire! Also, don’t forget girlfriends who may not be moms but are still amazing to hang out with. No, you may not be able to swap stories about discpiline techniques and what products you love to use, but you will get to connect with another woman, which will come in handy as our chidren grow up and move out – you always need your girlfriends! My mom and her 4-5 college roommates get together every 2 months for a girls night, and have since I was young. When we were little, they got together and would work on their scrapbooks, fold laundry, meal plan, whatever… things that needed to be done anyway but are better done with laughter and dessert. they are now approaching their 60’s and still go to a cabin for a weekend each summer, and do dinner and dessert every 2 months still. they have inspired me to keep up with my girlfriends, despite distance, schedules, kids or no kids, husbands or no husbands, divorces, whatever transpires. This is a long response, but I love that you are initiating connection! you may get rejected a few times, but as can be seen through all these responses, so many other women are looking for the same connection and may not have had the idea to initiate or may be intimidated to start. your invitation may be the welcome they need to a deep friendship!
I write for the Knoxville Moms Blog and recently wrote a post similar to this one. Too bad we are in different states, but even if we are alone and BFFless, we are still somehow together!
Great article! I so hear you. I think the equivalent of match.com is meetup.com:) I had never done anything on there before, but when my daughter was born last year I needed mom friends asap for my sanity and started a group for Transplant Parents in Dallas- we’ve all moved here from other places (or boomeranged back). Check us out! And if the transplant thing isn’t for you, there are lots of other Dallas mom groups that seem great:) Thanks for sharing your story.
http://www.meetup.com/Transplant-Parents-in-Dallas/
My bad, just realized you are in San Antonio:) Well, maybe start a group there!!:)
Deeper not stepper I meant! Sorry for typos my screen is cracked!
This is crazy! I feel like I’m reading my story! I feel the same way. Most of my friends that have moved away to the suburbs and find the best group of friends and I on the other hand still live in the city, Dallas. I have mommy surface relationships but not that stepper level of friendship like I’ve had in the past but life happens and those friendships grow apart. I had my kids older so most people I know are younger because are life stages match more but it’s hard to connect on a deep level when we grew up in different eras! It’s frustrating to me! I’ve also been married for 8 years and my husband was all so born in ny! They moved to the Dallas area when my fil was transferred by IBM. My hus was 10! Culture shock for him! I have two girls’s as well! 3 and 1. All I know to do is pray about it. The Lord knows the desire of our hearts and what we need so I try not to dqell on it! I har the best husband and kids so I try to focus on what I have!
Totally my same story. I’m so lonely and wish I could find my BFF. But like you I have every excuse in the book for not being a good and attentive friend: work, kids, husband, housework, etc. i wish it was easier to find people to connect with that aren’t worried about impressing me nor being impressed by me. Many moms I’ve met have mean-girl cliques and have act like motherhood is a competition as to who has the best kids or who is the most Martha Stewart mom. We should be supporting each other!!
I’m so glad I’m not alone in this feeling. I have a BFF, but she lives in Corpus and I never see her do to work and children. I have one mom friend that does play dates with me twice a month, but that is it. And all my other close friends are single or married and childless which leaves them free as a bird.
I see all these facebook moms out with their friends and kids looking like they are having the time of their lives, and I’m jealous! I wish there was some way to meet moms looking to connect with other moms on a deeper level, not just a surface coffee and bagel every six months.
If you figure out or anyone else figures out how to get moms together in search of a friend, let me know…I’m in!
Hey Kitt – my best friends are also far away – one in California and one in NY. It’s such a bummer as I find myself constantly wishing they lived closer. I’ve struggled with those same issues on Facebook, and when I find that checking FB is bringing me down more than it lifts me up, I give it a break for a few days. It’s amazing how liberating and enjoyable disconnecting can be.
I don’t have any bright ideas for bringing moms together (obviously), but I’ve been really encouraged by how many moms have responded that they are having the same feelings. I think for a lot of us, this is just a season of life that will pass. At least it better!!!
Soooo true. Please get on making a Match.com for moms.
Oh how I wish we lived closer! I feel like I just read my own story! If you are ever in Alamo Heights you can bring the kids for a playmate at my house. My kiddos are 2 and a half and almost one.
*play date
What’s funny is that there IS a match.com for moms. When I was first drafting my post, I wrote “since there’s no such thing as Mommymatch.com” and went on with the paragraph. After I was finished, it dawned on me that I should verify there really isn’t a mommymatch, and voila – there is. Or there was. Doesn’t look active as a whopping 33 people were members. I was surprised by the numbers since there is obviously such a need for something like that. And in digging around, I found a few other similar sites but nothing very successful. It’s gotta be a marketing issue. I just can’t come up with any other explanation for their failure.
Hey Amanda – wow – that’s a tough spread in terms of ages. No wonder you haven’t had time to meet your bestie – you’re a busy mama! I admittedly don’t get to your part of town that often, but if I do, it’s likely for a blog event. Come join us sometime!
ummmm hello! I’m one street over and would love to enjoy a glass (or bottle) with you anytime!