Parenting Then and Now: Your “Alarming” Childhood

Parenting has changed a little bit since we were children. Here are 17 pictures that prove how different things were back in the good ol’ days!

1. THEN: Licking a beer can with your father.

NOW: Your father should go to jail.

2. THEN: Eating Doritos. Touching Doritos. Or, placing toys in an empty Doritos bag.

NOW: Your mom said, “Doritos.” She is blacklisted by Whole Foods.

3. THEN: Sitting on a toy with metal springs and making Darth Vader voices into a box fan.

NOW: The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests wearing oven mitts and standing at least three feet from fans and metal of any shape or form, lest you lose all your fingers and catch airborne tetanus.

4. THEN: Riding like this in a parade.

NOW: Quick! Someone pass a law stating all passengers in open-air vehicles must be in booster seats and wearing football helmets—even the adults! No, cancel that. Pass a law banning parades! Rhonda will testify about the time she waved in a parade and lost her hand in a tragedy involving a passing glow necklace cart.

5. THEN: Restaurants featuring the Devil as your waiter.

NOW: Folks in a picket line chanting, “You came here for the burgers, but now you’re going to hell!” Folks in an opposing picket line chanting, “Separation of church and restaurant!” Local news station has a live remote.

6. THEN: Innocently playing dress-up and incorporating the American flag as “dog ears.”

NOW: Printing this photo at Walgreen’s and ending up on an FBI watch list.

7. THEN: Using a Stairmaster under the age of 25.

NOW: Permissible only with parental approval and use of a bike helmet.

8. THEN: Challenging friends to elaborate pool entries.

NOW: All manner of diving board usage is restricted solely to pencil dives.

9. THEN: Using a toy machine gun on a 90-year-old amusement park ride.

NOW: You call this a teachable moment about history? I’m shutting this park down because violence!

10. THEN: Hours of dramatic play in the garage next to poorly balanced boxes, a garden sprayer of pesticide, rusty tools, and pressurized Scuba tanks.

NOW: There are at least 18 visible ways to die. Your mom is fired.

11. THEN: Riding a bike in a 70-foot private driveway in a rabbit coat without a helmet.

NOW: Fur AND no helmet? Someone should publicly shame your mom on the neighborhood Facebook page.

12. THEN: Flying a kite with a 15-foot tail.

NOW: The tail could wrap around your neck and suffocate you! NO KITES! Watch TV inside where it’s safe!

13. THEN: Receiving a fitness-related gift that you specifically requested as a seven-year-old.

NOW: Will someone think you think you are fat? Will someone think your parents think you are fat? Will someone think your smiling grandma thinks you are fat? Nobody knows, so your parents are getting you Legos to be safe!

14. THEN: Eating hot dog coins and carrot coins and drinking juice from a can.

NOW: No coins! No circle foods! No juice! Child Protective Services is on the way!

15. THEN: Smiling near McDonald’s paraphernalia.

NOW: You are banned from participating in life in general.

16. THEN: Helmet-less bike-a-thon participation.

NOW: ALL THE PARENTS ARE GOING TO JAIL!

17. THEN: Standing in the back of a parked truck and being monitored by an adult as you prepare to pet a horse.

NOW: I just read all about Airborne Horse Disease on Facebook. Haven’t you seen it? Supposedly, you can’t even look at a horse or you’ll get it. Google it, but definitely don’t ask a doctor—just research it online. If the Airborne Horse Disease post gets 1,000 “likes” some guy will pour mustard on his head, so you know it’s serious!

Author’s note: Please know I’m aware many things children used to engage in were fairly dangerous, and it’s good we have regulations now to help avoid preventable accidents (and occasionally protect dingbat parents from themselves). And, I know I wrote some ridiculous stuff, but parenting pressures are getting out of control. There are so many experts, critics, alarmists, complainers, and judgmental folks out there whose opinions find their way into your carpool line, TV news, and Facebook feed, that it’s hard not to parent from a place of fear—fear of failure, the unanticipated, how others perceive your children, and how others perceive you. Life is too precious and brief. Don’t hover over your children so much they never get a chance to feel free. Don’t worry about how others perceive your child or your parenting. You are doing the best you can, and you are doing a great job. I believe it was Marie Antoinette who said, “Let them eat McDonald’s (in moderation), and eff all my haterz!”