I adopted my two sons from China. After three plus years of parenting children who “don’t match” me, I’m still surprised by the willingness of strangers to approach me and ask personal questions—rude, nosy questions usually asked with kind intentions, I realize. But answering them in Target, at birthday parties, or anywhere else gets a little tiring.
1. “Do they know they’re adopted?”
My kids are clearly Asian. If you are halfway sober or have an IQ above 50, you will pick up on the fact that my husband and I are not Asian. We’re banking on the kids eventually figuring out they come from a different gene pool.
In all seriousness, we talk about adoption all the time. Our children know they’re from China and that we chose them to be in our family. We’ll add more detail as they grow up, but this covers things for now. The “A” word is not taboo at our house.
2. “Do you know Angelina Jolie? No, really—do you?”
Sadly, I don’t. I don’t know Jillian Michaels or Madonna, either. Really. If I did, I’d name-drop like a boss and go to better parties.
3. “Do you have any of your own?”
The kids you see are my own. Get this: I woke up at 6:00 A.M. today. Every single light in my house was on. One kid had gotten into my secret stash of chocolate (I guess it’s really not so secret, huh?), while the other kid was demanding I cut his toenails. At 6:00 A.M. If these kids are not “my own” and someone else should be handling this butt-crack of dawn silliness, please let me know whom I need to call.
4. “Where are their real parents?”
I know people mean birth or biological parents. I won’t beat people up for word choices, but they might take offense at my answer:
“It’s none of your business.”
My children’s birth parents chose life but not to parent. We don’t talk about specifics outside our family. This may be a tender subject someday—or not. But until my kids are old enough to decide how this info is shared, we keep it private.
Look at it this way: curiosity is a wonderful thing, but take a second to consider how my children feel when they hear you ask me that question.
5. “Where did you get them?”
I usually answer with some form of “they’re from China” because I know that’s what the question really is. I am always tempted to say “Amazon Prime” and watch the looks on people’s faces.
6. “How much did they cost?”
Whoa, Nellie. How much did those double-D bazooms set you back? I mean, they’re not actually real, are they?
Seriously, if you’re curious about the cost of adoption, Google it or contact any adoption agency. This answer is dedicated to the lady who asked this question while I was buying panties at Target. When you’re on vacation, forget to pack your unmentionables, and your kids are screaming in stereo, this is exactly the kind of question you want. NOT.
7. “Now that you’ve adopted, do you think you’ll get pregnant?”
Oooh! We’re going to talk about my vagina now?! Fun! Let me tell you all about my problem plumbing!
Seriously, asking this question assumes I have the necessary, operational equipment to make babies. It also assumes I want to get pregnant. Not everyone adopts because they can’t have babies. Some people have strong feelings about bringing more kids into the world or providing a home to a child who needs a family. Maybe it’s best not to assume and just stick with something safe like “what a beautiful family.”
Sometimes I don’t mind adoption questions or the opportunity to educate. But sometimes I do. My unwillingness to answer personal questions doesn’t mean I’m unfriendly or ashamed of my family’s story.
Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it doesn’t equal entitlement. Stop and think for a minute before you ask that question—besides, you might get more than you want to hear. I would love to see the look on someone’s face if I suddenly launched into a play-by-play about my lady parts in Target’s lingerie section…
