I’m a Dad, Not a Babysitter

In honor of Father’s Day, Alamo City Moms Blog is bringing you a series of posts written by local dads about topics related to fatherhood. 

A few years ago, when my kids were younger and my wife and I were discussing who would watch the kids one night while she was planning an evening out with her friends, I announced that I’d be happy to “babysit” the kids. The word casually rolled off my tongue without a second thought. I nonchalantly fell into the trap that society has so easily set for me. I didn’t mean it, at least I didn’t think so. The meaning behind that innocuous word was to assure both myself and my wife that I could hold down the fort while she was gone.

At the time, I would be kidding myself if I thought I knew as much as she did about taking care of the kids. After all, most days I am at work before my kids wake up, only to return home an hour or two before they go to sleep. During those evening hours my wife is with us. During the evening hours and weekends, the family is together and there is no need for truly solo parenting.

My wife is an amazing mom and always makes my job easier as a dad—so easy, sometimes, that I forgot I was just as needed. I think our culture plays a funny trick on us, making us think that because the father is often not the primary caregiver, that he’s not as important. It took me some time, but I recognize now that it’s not at all true.

I used to feel that there was a subtle, but present parenting hierarchy in our house, with my wife being the alpha. Any decision regarding the kids, from clothing to food to nap time, she handled simply because she knew it and I did not. For me, this was something woven into our family when my daughter was born. Sure, I could change a dirty diaper, warm a bottle, or swaddle our baby, but there was only so much I could do for her as the dad. There is a truly amazing bond between a mother and her newborn to which I cannot hold a candle. To me, during this time, I felt like I was more my wife’s top assistant rather than an equal parent. But I digress.

When my wife and I leave our kids with a new babysitter, there is always a nervous energy as we give the sitter the rundown on their routine. Sure, Mary Poppins would be ideal, but let’s not kid ourselves. After all, there is a learning curve that comes with caring for kids, especially when those kids have the weirdest idiosyncrasies. A meal planned with love and culinary expertise will be untouched unless you also provide the special orange fork. Bedtime will be a disaster if you do not locate the blankie or know to sing that special song in the key of D minor.

To be honest, I felt like a babysitter that first time I watched my kids alone. The same nervous energy existed when I realized I had to ask my wife what time my daughter should nap. I considered myself a really good dad, but there were just some things I did not know. The truth is, at the newborn stage, they do need her more. It left me trying to figure out my place in their world. I couldn’t breastfeed, but I could cuddle. I could nurture in my own daddy ways. It was in one of those early moments in my daughter’s life that I realized I needed to work on confidence to make these decisions, too. In some areas, I had the same learning curve that a babysitter would. But the enormous difference that I overlooked was that I was my kids’ dad, not their babysitter. I realized that for every answer I did not know, there were many that I did. There was more than one toy that would make her stop crying and more than one silly song to make her laugh. I realized that my hugs and kisses could ward off bad dreams and fix a skinned knee with the same magic her mom seemed to have.

As my confidence grew, I cherished those times alone with my kids. I no longer set the bar at holding down the fort, but instead I was excited to bond with my children and maybe even learn something to teach to my wife. As they have grown, I now have many special routines with my kids. For example, I put both of the kids to sleep each night. It has become sacred time together that we share because I don’t get the hours during the day. When my daughter and I are finished reading a book, she likes to get 10 hugs and 10 kisses. But not just any 10 ordinary hugs and kisses. She likes each hug and kiss to list something fun about our day: “Playing in the park—one, eating ice cream—two,” and so on. And she LOVES to surprise me with what number 10 is going to be! I am proud to report I created this simple, silly routine all by myself.

My wife is an incredible partner and mother and deserves time to focus on herself to keep her life balanced. I don’t even think about “babysitting” the kids anymore. I’m a good dad. So this is my thought: to all the dads out there, find your parenting niche. Figure out how you’re needed, at every stage of your child’s life. They need you. After all, you’re the dad.

Andrew Ross is a San Antonio native who had to move away for law school to meet his soulmate who lived down the street when they were kids. They fell in love fast. Since then, he’s become a devoted husband and father, soccer coach, dance dad, and tickle monster extraordinaire.

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