I Teach My Boys to Cry

This is a cruel world, no doubt about it. Arguably one of the more difficult times to raise children. Instead of sugar-coating, we tend to grab for the armor. Protect them. Shield them. Teach them how to defend themselves. The armor comes in various shades and sizes: confidence, karate lessons, lessons in an eye for an eye. But perhaps instead of thinking about how to keep our kids tough and edgy, we should give them the tools to prosper and thrive. What armor might do that, you ask? Feelings. Those gooey, touchy-feely emotions that most of us would prefer to skip over.

I’m raising three children: one girl and two boys. I raise them differently according to each child’s personality, strengths, and challenges. I raise them differently sometimes according to sex and gender. (Yeah, I said it—and yeah, I mean it.) However, I don’t raise them differently in regards to understanding their feelings or the importance of self-expression and respecting every single human on this Earth. That’s a given. It has nothing to do with sex. It has nothing to do with their personalities. It has to do with human decency and the fulfillment we receive as people in respectfully and honestly expressing our feelings.

For boys, this is often more difficult to come by. “Man up!” we cry. “Pull yourself up by your boot straps!” After all, “Real men don’t cry. Real men get even. Don’t be a girl.” (Insert repulsed eye roll here.) Don’t even get me started on that last one…

Yet, this talk is mainstream and we all know it. Our boys learn that feelings are for girls. Tears are for girls. Communication is for girls.

They hear it all their lives. And then we’re mad they don’t express themselves later in life. “Why don’t you talk to me?” “I need to know how you feel!” “You never talk about your feelings!”

Well, the truth is, they may not know what they’re feeling.

Here’s the thing: If you live in a society where you are deliberately NOT taught how to do something, chances are you won’t learn on your own. You might, but it’s not likely.

So, I promised myself something as soon as I found out I was pregnant with my first son: He will always know how to express himself. He will always know how to define his feelings. He will be not only allowed, but encouraged to cry. I will never leave him without armor to tackle this world. Because when you think about it, not helping a child to identify and express his/her feelings disarms him/her as an adult.

My son came pounding down the stairs the other day in a way only he can, making as much noise and movement as possible. He was happy and noisy and bouncy. We had friends over for the afternoon to play. He turned the corner and hit is elbow about as hard as he could while swinging his arms. At first he was shocked and silent. I knew the tears were building, but I also knew he was embarrassed. He waited for a second to see if he could suck them back in and then I said, “It’s OK. I know that must have hurt so badly! Come to me, baby.” He lost it in my arms. I encouraged his sadness and hurt. It’s so important. He gets to be just as hurt and sad as my daughter would have in that situation. No exceptions. As a general rule, we don’t drag on for attention, but we do get to feel hurt in this house.

Right now there are so many social campaigns focused on respecting others, equality, and human decency. Even my child’s elementary school has signs all over the campus reminding them to “Choose Kindness!” In my opinion, it begins at home, just like everything else. It’s not quite enough to raise children to be kind. Nope. What does that even mean to them? We also need to teach them to understand how kindness affects others. What emotions are felt by kindness? What emotions are felt when someone is unkind to us? If they don’t understand the result of kindness (those ooey-gooey feelings), how can we always expect them to choose it? If you want them to feel equipped for this world, then help them learn empathy.

Off my soapbox now. Because, the biggest problem is that many of us don’t understand emotions. Most of us are uncomfortable with tears and sadness. We jump to drying those eyes or trying to distract and change the subject when working with sadness in our children—boys, especially. As if changing the subject makes the sadness disappear into happiness. It doesn’t; it just avoids it.

So how do we let our boys know feelings? We let them feel them. Plain and simple. Sit with them through their sadness, anger, and disappointment. Ask them constantly about their opinions, thoughts, and feelings—because, as you’ve probably noticed, the rest of the world won’t. Model for them what it looks like to show emotion. Yep, this means you might have to be transparent about your feelings, too. Explain what frustration can feel like. Give them examples. When something is disappointing or frustrating, avoid telling them to suck it up. Instead, note that it does suck. Take a moment to point out how upsetting something might be and give them space to be upset. On the other side of the spectrum are those positive feelings. Encourage them to show compassion and love. Kiss them all day long. Label those feelings.

And then, because you are a parent, your work is never done. You must also teach them how to show emotion. It’s not enough to label those feelings; now you must also teach your boys healthy ways of expressing them. (This parenting thing is exhausting, isn’t it?)

Here’s a little secret: anger is a secondary emotion. It comes in many different forms and can look like aggression, sadness, and hypermobility. We are more comfortable dealing with anger in our kids because we often jump to punish it. “Don’t hit your sister!” “Don’t yell at me!” “Sit down and keep your hands to yourself!” “Stop crying!” We’ve all said it. But unfortunately, many times we are barking up the wrong tree. Anger is secondary to bigger emotions: sadness, disappointment, and that big ugly one, fear. As humans, we tend to get angry when we feel those things because it’s easier—and, sadly, more acceptable. Also, it’s a go-to when we have big feelings and don’t know any other way to show them. So, that lends itself to boys showing aggression and this becoming mainstream. We’ve come to expect boys to show anger and aggression instead of tears of sadness. And we most certainly don’t want them to show fear! (Insert another eye roll here.) The result? Our boys are left crippled by social norms all the while we are continuously expecting them to be kind, emotional, and talk about their feelings. Seems a bit unfair, right?

So I will be here in my house doing my little bitty part in this world. I will teach my boys to cry. I will let my boys know that fear is normal and scary. I will let my boys sit and talk to me about their disappointment and hurt. It’s the best thing I know to do for them and for their future relationships. After all, I want to protect my children just like you want to protect yours. So, I’m helping them develop the toughest armor I can: their hearts.

Erin
Erin is a born and raised San Antonio native. She is a proud graduate of Southwestern University, St.Mary's University and Texas Tech University. After graduate school, she married the love of her life and moved back to to town to be near both sides of their families. Together, they are attempting to raise three crazy humans: Chloe- 2011, Connor- 2014, and Charlie 2017 who make life fun, happy and hard. Erin is a marriage and family therapist and a contributor and sales coordinator for ACM. She is a lover of all things involving food, music, sarcasm and wine. And love. There must be lots of love. You can find her on Instagram at Instagram Favorite Restaurant: Nonna Osteria Favorite Landmark: Majestic Theatre Favorite San Antonio Tradition: Fiesta Arts Fair