High school was not a walk in the park for me. I wasn’t athletic, in band, or in pep squad. In my tiny Texas high school that meant you were definitely not in the “in” crowd. I made good grades, though I struggled through math. I was in the National Honor Society, part of the UIL play, and a member of Student Council (#nerdalert). I grew up with most of the kids in my class, so the small group of friends I had, I’d had since Kindergarten. I was very sheltered, totally unsophisticated, and ignorant of so many things as a teenager. I also never talked to my parents about anything in high school. They didn’t know my friends or my nerdy fears and anxieties.
But somehow this total nerd still managed to do some things that were, um, devious, dangerous, and drastic. So maybe I was more typical than I thought. I’ll spare you the details, but I am NOT telling my kids about these antics until they are grownups (and maybe not even then!). Knowing that even my high school self could get into trouble, makes me cringe when I think of my kid about to start his freshman year. I’m holding on for the ride but planning for it to be bumpy.
I’m pretty sure that two days after my son turned 13 he morphed into a typical teen. He spends a lot of time thinking about his hair, clothes, and social media. He always made Honor Roll until last year, when math hit him hard. Sigh. Those genes are hard to overcome!
He played soccer at a younger age and has played tennis the last two years. He is in Boy Scouts and band. My son has had many experiences way beyond what I had at his age. We give him freedom to hang out with his friends—to go to the movies, play basketball, go swimming, hang out at a friend’s house, and sometimes spend the night. His friends come to our house or we chauffeur them around to the mall, pool, etc. This is “typical” for a kid his age.
But what is also “typical” are experiences I never dreamed of dealing with. Last year, for example, we got a phone call from a police officer who let us know that my son was being questioned for his participation in a group text that involved a discussion on suicide. He knows people who are “stoners” and people who sell drugs. Some of them are in Scouts and his pre-AP classes. He once got in trouble at school due to a silly prank involving a girl. What else is “typical”? My son’s screen saver on his phone is a picture of a young rapper who was gunned down. He is fully aware of all the shootings that have happened at schools across the country. I know I cannot protect or insulate him from all of these things.
Moms, high school isn’t like when we went to school. Students deal with the same issues that we faced and then some. Kids have to be strong, smart and confident to cope with everything thrown at them. What 14-year-old is strong, smart, and confident?! We must work to build up our kids, be there for them, talk to them, and stay strong for them. They will be tempted to try things simply for the thrill. Don’t forget we were once the same way. Protect your children when you can; catch them when they fall. Tell them mistakes are part of life. Love them in all their difficult, faulty, annoying ways. When they push us away, it’s because they need us. I tell my son all the time that I love him. I give him hugs when I can, ruffle his hair, or just throw my arm around his shoulders.
That doesn’t mean I let everything slide. My son lost privileges last school year, as well as access to his most important possession: his phone. Ouch! That one really hurt. I also didn’t give him any “fun” money when he wasn’t working hard enough in school to deserve a reward. I didn’t stay angry, but I stayed strong. I’m not original. I’m just repeating what my mother taught me: Sometimes you do the things and then you have to pay for the things. OK, she said it in Spanish and with a quick shake or tug of my hair and not exactly in those words. But the same sentiment applies.
I plan on staying involved in my son’s high school so I can spy on him, of course. (Hey, it worked in elementary and middle school!) I’m hoping to know most of my teenager’s friends. I expect to drive them around, have them make a mess at my house, feed them pizza, and make it to some school events. My son might hate it, but I’ll go a few times anyway. Maybe I’ll volunteer my husband at times. Volunteering for school events is the perfect way to get a feel for how kids act, what they like, and how they interact. My spying will naturally extend to grades. Most districts provide electronic access to your child’s grades so you don’t have to wait for your child to confess when he fails a math quiz (not happening) or bring you a paper informing you that he failed a math quiz (also not happening).
High school is hard, and freshman year is the tip of the iceberg. Everything is new, and kids have to try to cope with life rules in an almost adult way. I don’t always act like an adult, and I’ve been one for…let’s just say awhile. I have to remember that my son’s heart is tender and his brain is still developing. I have to accept that it’s normal for him to push me away at times. I’m sure I’ll make my own mistakes along the way as I deal with his. My husband and I will be tag-teaming it and playing good cop/bad cop. There will be nights when I’ll need a stiff drink and swear the hospital switched this kid at birth. But I’m in this parenting thing for keeps—through the good and bad. I may not be holding his hand like I did when he entered Kindergarten, but I’ll continue to stand somewhere close so I can be there whenever my son needs me as he enters high school.
