“Do You Know Why?”: Helping Children to Understand the “Why” of Rules

My 15th birthday party was about as rockin’ as any low-budget birthday party could be. My crush was there, which was my main requirement, plenty of friends showed up, so I felt pretty cool for a day, my mom purchased junky snacks that we usually weren’t allowed to have, queso was flowing freely, and we had water balloons galore. A boys-against-girls water balloon fight provided the perfect amount of flirtatiousness that our raging hormones and daydreaming teen minds needed. Tossing balloon grenades quickly escalated to dumping buckets of water on a few unsuspecting victims, and eventually just spraying each other with hoses. Drenched teens dashed in and out of my parents’ kitchen, the yard became a swamp after about 30 minutes, and finally, my mom had enough! She came outside and loudly announced that our water fun had come to an end.

My friend, standing at the bottom of our hilly yard, looked up at my mom and screamed, “SUN F*CKER!”

Water balloons dropped, hoses hit the ground, jaws snapped open, and we all froze.

My mom turned bright red and looked as horrified as she was angry while attempting to wrap her head around the appropriate response in front of our entire church youth group. But my mom didn’t look nearly as shocked as my friend, who desperately started trying to explain that she had just had an untimely and very public letter slip up, leading to what I imagined was one of her most embarrassing moments in life. She meant to playfully yell “fun sucker” at my mom, but instead, switched two important letters and shouted something pretty darn offensive at my very conservative mom.

Clearly, I’ve never forgotten that moment, and I think of it often when I’m preoccupied with “sucking all the fun” out of my own kid’s life. It’s a skill that comes naturally to me, according to her, and I inadvertently do it from sunrise to sundown. I didn’t choose this life, but my kid is determined to have ice cream for breakfast almost every day, and therefore, I get to start off most mornings with the dreaded “N.O.”

And before noon, the number of noes I have uttered, far exceed my yeses.

Most recently, I have found myself in a new wave of “Mom, I can do [everything] by myself.” Because, you know, almost six-year-olds are basically grownups. Actually, she prefers to call herself a “nager” because she isn’t quite a teenager yet but definitely is not a kid. (Her words, not mine, people!) This new stage of pushing the boundaries and fighting for independence far beyond her years, has led to reevaluating some simple rules that I thought had been well established years ago.

For example, I found myself in Costco the other day, begging her for the millionth time to stay close to me. The draw of hot pizza slices visible through the deli glass was just so tempting, that she couldn’t stay by my side while they took, retook, and retook once more my new Costco ID photo. Apparently the first two weren’t horrible enough for them. Practice does not make perfect in the case of Costco membership ID photos.

After losing my patience a time or two, I finally took her hands in mine, knelt down, looked her in the eyes, and asked, “Do you know why? Do you understand why Mommy asks you to stay close to me in this great big store?”

No, she didn’t.

Partly because telling her the reason makes me feel as though I’m stealing away a bit of her childhood innocence. And partly because for many years, I didn’t feel like I owed her an explanation. I needed her to trust that Mommy does things to protect her, for reasons she might not understand, but rules are rules, and it’s her job to follow them.

But in some cases, that’s a bit different now. She is, after all, a “nager.” She can reason better now than she could even a year ago, and she can begin to understand big things a little bit at a time.

So, I explained to her why Mommy wants her to stay close; why it makes me nervous when she walks far out of my reach in a giant, busy store; how I don’t know the people in this store and whether they are good or bad people. And then I explained why I make these rules: because it is my job to keep her as safe as I can.

“I didn’t know that, Mommy. I’m sorry I didn’t listen.”

It was an aha moment for me.

It seems so simple, and so obvious all along, but I just hadn’t explained to her many of the reasons for our rules.

I realized that by explaining the reasoning for our rules, I was giving her partial responsibility for herself. I’m still there to guide her, of course, but she now can begin to understand (as much as any five-year-old can) why Mommy does all the crazy fun-sucking that I do.

In a way, it was a weight lifted off my shoulder, a little bit like passing the parenting baton to the voice of reason (e.g., “Look, it’s not Mommy who thinks sugar for breakfast, lunch, and dinner isn’t a great idea. I wish I could have that too! But Mommy has learned that too much sugar can make your body feel really bad and sick, and I don’t want that for you. I want you to have energy to play and sing! I want you to feel good! So I am making food for you that will make you strong and tough”). She likes to be strong, and she doesn’t like to be sick, so for a moment, I get a break. I get a kid that wants to know which vegetables make her run faster instead of one that’s begging for ice cream at every meal.

I read that giving children positive reinforcement for rules, better encourages good behavior. Instead of “stay out of the road!” saying something like, “stay in the yard—the road is busy and I don’t want you to get hurt,” is better received.

I’ve used this nifty tool often lately, as there are many changes happening in our family with a baby on the way. I don’t want my daughter to feel lost or confused by all the changes, but rather, involved and excited about them. It started with my pregnancy, on days when I felt like poo. Instead of fussing at her for her loud noises and or her constant begging me to go play outside, I explained to her why Mommy wasn’t feeling well and how growing a baby is hard work. We would sit together and read about how the baby was growing that week. Once she realized that she could start practicing to be a great big sister by helping take care of Mommy, she was much more excited to help me get a little rest in the afternoons when I needed it. What a gift!

Many of our recent conversations have started with her asking, “Do you know why?” And every time I explain my choices to her, I can see a light bulb go off in her head. It hasn’t been without a little pushback, of course. “Makeups is for grownups” didn’t sit well with her, and I couldn’t find a great reason to say no, so on that particular day she wore pink sparkly eye shadow “just for fun” to the zoo.

I’m certainly no parenting expert (are any of us?!), but my hope is that maybe my aha moment can be someone else’s. Providing a “why” might not solve all of our parenting problems, but at the very least, it can shoulder the burden of all the fun-sucking we have to do every day. 

Anna
I was born and raised in Houston, but I got to S.A. as fast as I could. I'm staying here for the tacos, the parades, the hill country, and the caring people. This city only has cedar fever to keep us from being too perfect. I'm momma to a strong willed girl, an adventure loving boy, and a rescue mutt. Wifey to a man working in the oil field. Don't mistake me for Laura Ingalls, but I do love homeschooling, baking, candle making, nature exploring, coffee sipping, and photo taking. Favorite Restaurant: Bird Bakery (cake and pies, duh!) Favorite Landmark: Hemisfair Park Favorite San Antonio Tradition: Cascarones